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You're constantly on the go, geared up for life, pushing it to the limit and have your own sense of style. You're strung out on Ephedrine, working three jobs for your ex-wife and kids, pushing your blood/alcohol limit, and are a "wanna-be Aussie."

Now there's a vehicle that adapts to you and makes it all happen. In fact, if you get our deluxe model with the built-in toilet/satellite television/beer cooler and free subscription to Inside ESPN and Urban Cowboy Monthly, you may never have to leave your vehicle again!

It's the Pontiac Ass-tek. With the Ass-tek, we pushed the edge on style, technology, and good taste. We combined the best attributes of sport sedans, sport utility vehicles, minivans, subminiature compacts, and lawnmowers to bring you the first Superficially Useful Vehicle (S.U.V.)

You will feel as if you're in a modern military vehicle that can do anything, although a Datsun can run circles around it on a 30 slope going sideways. Who cares about performance? You're not really going to use it off-road, but it looks like it can drive on the moon. Style, it's all about style.

You will cruise around and smile at all the people pointing and laughing because they're jealous of your S.U.V. They can't have that nice compromise between economy, utility, and taste that you do. Valets will be in awe, and even car thieves won't want to touch your new vehicle for fear of ruining something so beautiful.

The road: own it!

Tax, title, license, and optional equipment such as airbags, windshield wipers, airsick bag dispenser and faux gun rack are extra. All information is based on Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price (MSRP), and includes destination charges, distractingly bright color penalty tax, and dumping permits. Additional features, options, and pricing packages are available.
You must purchase a new 2001 Ass-tek and take retail delivery from participating dealer stock, but let's face it. If you've come this far, money won't be an object, even though you could buy three two-bedroom houses in small towns in North Dakota for the same amount of money.
GM reserves the right to make changes at any time, without notice, in prices, colors, materials, equipment, specifications, models and availability. In other words, we're leading you and covering our Ass-teks.
One-year OnFart Safety & Security contract included. Call 1-800-ONFART-2 for system limitations and details. Note: we will not cover accidents as a result of using the onboard computer, cell phone, microwave, hair dryer, nose hair clippers, driver's side toilet, or any plastic parts that may become loose while driving.

This page is a parody!
(Yes, really!)

* Here's the real thing *

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