Written by Erich the Mad Bassist

Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent

(Sequenced by John Ciriello)

Heh heh… this is fan-fiction… These characters are the property of Ted Turner, Lorimar, or Rankin-Bass Productions. I'm here to make people laugh, and I'm making no money from this, so there!


  WilyKit was the first to spot the strange patch of plants growing off to the side of the Cat’s Lair. She said to herself, "Hey, those weren’t there last year!" She approached them cautiously and sniffed.

  There was something very compelling about their odor. She suddenly had an overwhelming instinctive urge to open her mouth and inhale. As she drew in a breath, the roof of her mouth suddenly felt like it was being tickled by hundreds of feathers. A crazy euphoria set in as WilyKit suddenly felt an odd tingling warmth all over her body that made her forget all reason. She flopped down among the strange plants, rolled on her back, and stretched as far as she could.

  WilyKit was in ecstasy as she started stretching and twisting from side to side, her mind lost in a fog of pure instinctive energy. She didn’t care that she was getting her uniform all dirty, she simply got lost in the strange new sensations that were centered in that magical place between the roof of her mouth and her nose. It was as if a new "sixth sense" had been awakened, and it completely took her over.

• • •

  At Castle Plundarr, Vultureman was startled when he heard the alarm go off in his lab. "Cawww! The moment has arrived!"

  After looking to see if he was being watched, he closed the door to his lab and switched on the monitor that was connected to his secret surveillance camera. He started laughing as he saw WilyKit in the throes of herbally induced ecstasy. "Cawww ha ha haaaw… it took you forever to find my little surprise. Now, it’s only a matter of time! Awww haw haw haw haw. Cawwww! Cawwww!"

• • •

  WilyKat thought he heard a strange growling… like a feral cat. He looked around the corner of the Lair and saw something moving among some weeds. Approaching cautiously with an explosive pellet in one hand, he didn’t even realize he was looking at his own sister.

  WilyKat recognized her and put the pellet back in his pouch. He was shocked to see WilyKit, covered with dirt, clawing into the base of a tree. She had latched onto the tree with her hands, and was half upside-down as she raked the exposed claws on her toes into the bark as though she was trying to scrape it all off. The thing that really took WilyKat by surprise was the fact that she was also biting the tree like a wild animal!

  "W… WilyKit?"

  WilyKat’s eyes went wide when she threw her head back and looked up at him upside-down from her sideways position. She raked into the tree’s bark a few more times, then swiftly flipped over and crouched on all fours. WilyKit’s mouth opened halfway into what looked like a snarl, but wasn’t. She emitted a strange "Heeeeooooowwwwwrrrrr" that sounded unnatural, curled her upper lip exposing her upper teeth, and started rapidly breathing in and out through her mouth in quick, staccato bursts.

  "What… what’s wrong with…" WilyKat didn’t get to finish his question before WilyKit pounced on him and violently threw him down among the strange plants.

  "Hey! Oww! Hey, you’re biting me! Stop it! Stop… whoa…" WilyKat inhaled through his mouth one more time, and was taken over by the same sensations that were driving his sister into a feline frenzy. His eyes went wide again, but so did his pupils. His facial expression changed to mimic the one on his sister’s face.

  All conscious thought now lost, WilyKit and WilyKat started tearing around between the trees at high speed, climbing up, raking against the bark, running down, and rolling and rubbing through the plants and the dirt. Somehow, they found their bedroom by either instinct or sheer luck. They were on watch, so there were no adults around to see them in this condition. Snarf was busy preparing lunch, and gave no second thought to the sound of them running around the lair.

  "Schnearrf… those kids are really moving today! I’ve got to stop serving them coffee with their breakfast… snarf… snarf…"

• • •

  Back at Castle Plundarr, Vultureman was laughing so loud that Slythe and the others could no longer ignore him. The angry reptilian Mutant threw the door open and growled, "What is the meaning of this, Vultureman! What is so funny?"

  "Haw hawwwwk, I’ve done it! I’ve found a way to cawwww… incapacitate the Thundercats!"

  Slythe raised an eyebrow along with Jackalman. Monkian scratched his head and asked, "How? Hoo hoo…"

  "I’ve discovered a plant called ‘catnip’ that the Wollows use to make their little pet cats go crazy… it totally, cawwww… freaks them out! So I thought I could somehow use this on those cawwww… miserable Thundercats to make them lose their minds! Hawww."

  Slythe was interested now. "So, you planted seeds in their garden, yesssss?"

  "Cawww… not just seeds… super seeds! I did a little genetic, awwww… alteration to make the plants produce a more… potent effect."

  Slythe started to frown. "Why did you not tell us of this plan?"

  Vultureman started to get defensive. "Because, dear leader, unlike you… I have patience!"

  Slythe’s eyes narrowed as he said, "You must, because my patience with you is growing thin!"

  "Save it for the cawwww… Thundercats. It’s only a matter of time before they are all rolling around in the garden, and we can easily defeat them. Cawww! Cawww!"

  Jackalman joined the conversation. "Not bad, for a buzzard… nyahh hah hah hah…"

  Slythe scratched his chin and smiled. "Yesssss… not bad at all. This had better work or you’ll be picking your feathers out of the ceiling!" Slythe left the lab with the others.

  Vultureman sighed and rested his head in his hands. "Cawww… everyone’s a critic."

• • •

  WilyKit woke up to the sound of her brother shouting, "Oww… oww… oww!" She realized that she was in the middle of her bed, but her sheets and covers were all gathered into a tight mound in the middle of the mattress and the claws of her feet and hands were all deeply buried into that mound. "What the hell?"

  WilyKat gave another "Oww!" WilyKit was totally disoriented as she looked around the room, but couldn’t find her brother. WilyKat spoke seemingly from nowhere again. "Oww… hey, what happened?"

  WilyKit gasped in surprise as she looked upward and saw her brother hanging upside-down from the curtains. "WilyKit! Help!"

  WilyKit was dumbfounded. "How did you get up there?"

  "I don’t know! Just help me, dammit!"

  "Okay… hee hee hee hee…"

  WilyKat groaned as his sister kept giggling. She found that his boots were gone, and that the claws of his right foot were caught in the thick weave of the curtain. WilyKat landed on the floor with a loud thump when she freed his foot.

  WilyKat rubbed his backside as he said, "What happened to us?"

  "I don’t know… I was checking out these strange new plants… hey, I remember now!"

  WilyKat’s brain started to catch up with his experience also. "Hey, I remember too! Oww… sort of. You were biting me like an animal!"

  WilyKit started giggling again. "Yeah, I guess I did... wow, we really tore up on those trees! Hey… my uniform!"

  WilyKat looked at his sister’s torn outfit. It was partially shredded, and had dirt and grass embedded in it. He looked at his own tunic, and found it half ripped off and in similar condition. "Hey, what the hell? I sort of remember us clawing each other or something."

  "Yeah… that was weird! It sure was fun, though!"

  "Yeah, Kit… it was fun. Super-weird! Oww!" WilyKat was sore all over, and he had scratches from his sister almost everywhere. He looked over at WilyKit, and saw that her fur and hair was also messed up the same way. "We better ditch these clothes and get showered before Snarf and the others find us. They’ll take our garden away!"

  "Okay…" WilyKit started shedding what was left of her clothing while her brother dug out some replacements. "We’ll have to do that again!"

  "Yeah, but while wearing armor… look at this!"

  WilyKit said, "Wow!" as she saw the claw marks on her brother’s upper thigh. She vaguely remembered gripping his shoulder and scraping both feet down his leg. "I’m sorry…"

  "No need… we were really out of control!" WilyKat paused for a moment, looked his sister in the eyes, and they both started smiling. "Let’s do it again!" WilyKit and WilyKat dressed as fast as they could and headed downstairs at top speed for the plant patch.

• • •

  Tygra said, "I’m sure glad we decided to check out those thundrillium readings… there’s enough there to power the lair for years!"

  Cheetara said, "Yeah. We really lucked out!"

  Lion-o added, "And, we didn’t run into any Mutants or anything. It sure is nice that we finally got to take a break from defending ourselves all the time. Why…"

  Panthro interrupted. "Hold it… what’s that?"

  Lion-o looked forward again, but didn’t see anything. "What’s what, Panthro?"

  "I thought I saw one of the kittens rolling around in the dirt next to the lair over there."

  Cheetara said, "One of them must have been bored being on watch."

  Panthro frowned. "That goes without saying, but if they both abandoned their posts…"

  "Oh, you worry too much, Panthro!"

  "Cheetara… this is a dangerous planet, or have you forgot… what the hell?" Panthro suddenly stopped the Thundertank and jumped out. "Look at that!"

  Lion-o said, "Oh my…"

  The four adult Thundercats ran over towards the patch and saw WilyKit and WilyKat rolling around in the dirt… brushing their faces against the plants.

  Panthro was outraged. "What the hell are you brats doing away from your posts? I ought to ground you… hey…" Panthro opened his mouth in an abnormal grimace. "Sweeeet…"

  The others said, "What?" and started moving closer. Tygra picked the top off of one plant, bruised it, held it under his nose and said, "Interesti… rrrrroooowwwrrrrr!"

  It wasn’t long before all six Thundercats were rolling around in the dirt, stretching and playfully clawing at each other, purring loudly, and rubbing against the plants.

  Snarf ran out of the lair to find the others to announce that lunch was ready when he saw them all rolling around. "Dear mother of Jaga! What’s going on here? Schnearrrf, schnearrf!"

  Snarf approached the writhing Thundercats and got a whiff of the bruised plants. "Mrrrrrrrrr Schnearrrrrroooowwwwrrrrrrr…" Snarf quickly joined the others and was rolling on his back with a glazed look in his eyes.

• • •

  "Hoo hoooo! Look! Now’s our chance!"

  Slythe drew his weapon and shouted, "Mutants, attack!"

  Vultureman laughed as he ran towards the distracted Thundercats. "This, hawwww… is too easy! They’re as helpless as… kittens! Cawww! Cawww!"

  Monkian raised his mace and swung downward towards Panthro’s skull. Panthro was laying on his back and didn’t know up from down, but his instincts were as sharp as ever. He caught the mace, hung onto it with his hands and feet, and started chewing on it. Monkian was totally confused. "Hoo hoo... what the hell?"

  Monkian was about to try pulling his mace away from the panther when white-hot pain suddenly seared the back of his neck. "Yow… how how howwww!" Snarf had attached himself to Monkian’s back, and was sinking his teeth and claws into him.

  Jackalman looked around at Monkian and started laughing. It looked too comical! Monkian was howling in pain and running for the woods with Snarf flapping from his neck like a furry red and yellow flag. Snarf was making a new sound that the Mutants had never heard coming from any living creature before. It was high-pitched growl that sounded like "Snaaahhh! Snaaahhh! Snaaahhh!"

  Jackalman stopped laughing when WilyKit latched onto his shoulder, sunk her claws in, and started raking both feet down his arm and the side of his torso. He screamed and started running after Monkian as Slythe and Vultureman started laughing and were calling him a sniveling coward.

  Vultureman looked around just in time to see Tygra and Lion-o, both with very wide pupils and curled upper lips blindly charging him with their claws ready to sink themselves into the vulture Mutant’s hide. Vultureman’s intelligence got the better of him as he squawked and ran for the woods as fast as he could.

  Slythe was beside himself. Here were the Thundercats, with no conscious control over themselves, unarmed, and scaring off his lackeys. "Bah!" He started swinging his axe around, but Cheetara was too quick for him. She was acting with no conscious control, running on all fours like the twins, and tearing up the ground. Slythe was getting dizzy trying to focus his eyes on her as she made quick circles around him.

  Suddenly, all the Thundercats started rapidly clawing at one another in a ball of whirling fury. Slythe recovered his balance just long enough to see the ball heading straight for him. Before he could shout, he was in the middle of an all-out claw-fest.

• • •

  Later, at Castle Plundarr… a badly torn-up Slythe had a certain vulture Mutant by the throat. "So, you were the only one who didn’t get scratched, yessss?"

  "Cawwwkk! But Slythe!"

  "SHUT UP! This was your idea, yesssss?"

  A week later, feathers were still coming down from the ceiling.

• • •

  At the Cat’s Lair, everyone was waking up in unusual places. Panthro came to underneath his bed, with his claws embedded in the bottom of his box springs.

  Tygra and Cheetara woke up in the gym with their claws embedded in each other, and Tygra’s teeth were against the back of her neck.

  Lion-o awoke attached to a tree trunk. His boots were missing, and the claws on his feet and hands were securely locked into the wood. He shook his head, said "what the..." and worked his claws loose. He shouted as he fell ten feet to the ground.

  Snarf woke up hanging from the chandelier by his claws in the council chamber. He quickly climbed upward through the crystal and sat dazed on top… waiting for someone to come in and help him down.

  Once again, WilyKit and WilyKat woke up in their room, but this time they were both hung up in the curtains.

• • •

  "Okay, Snarf… I got you! Just jump!"

  "Oh… Schneaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr--ooof!"

  "There, that wasn’t so bad now, was it?"

  "How in Jaga’s name did I get up there?"

  Tygra came in and announced that he was going to fire up the incinerator and dispose of those lousy plants.

  Panthro said, "Wait a minute... that’s my incinerator!"

  Lion-o and Cheetara has bemused looks on their faces as Panthro and Tygra stared at each other for an uncomfortable second.

  Lion-o said, "Okay, those plants were fun, but they are too dangerous. We’ll all burn them together."

  The others sighed and agreed. WilyKit volunteered for "weeding duty" as she produced a large plastic bag, a pair of shears, and a breathing mask.

  WilyKat, Snarf, and the adults kept a safe distance as they watched WilyKit, dressed almost like an astronaut, cutting and bagging the wicked plants. What they didn’t see was WilyKit sneaking some choice undamaged tops into her pouch; they also didn’t see the wide grin she had under her mask as she worked.

? =THE END= ?

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