G.R.Q. Theater 2001

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, Erich the Mad Bassist here. I thought I would share an outrageous G.R.Q. (Get Rich Quick) letter that came in my mailbox the other day, and what better way to present it than to let my friends pick it apart. First off, let me introduce my right-hand man known as the Evil Fan.
(Evil Fan) *looks up from the Thunderian Lingerie catalog* Huh?
*ahem* This is the Evil Fan guy.
(Evil Fan) Oh, yeah. *hides the catalog* Hi all, just taking a break from reviewing Thundercats episodes.
A break? You've been laying around for months now…
(Evil Fan) Well, yeah, but you still haven't ordered the rest of the tapes.
*ahem* Yeah, okay. Anyway, we're here to review my junk mail.
(Evil Fan) *rolls eyes* Oh, that sounds like major fun.
It should be: you'll be working with Cheetara today.
(Evil Fan) *sits up straight* Well, what are you waiting for? Bring it on! *looks over at Cheetara as she moves two more seats away* Excuse the drool, babe.

Um, okay. Now, also joining us today is the Devil Priest of Third Earth himself, Mumm-Ra the Ever Living.
(Mumm-Ra) Thank you, thank you. Now, can we get on with it?
Of course, your evilness.
(Mumm-Ra) And what are you looking at?
(Evil Fan) Huh? I wasn't looking at you.
(Mumm-Ra) I know that. You were looking at Cheetara!
(Evil Fan) Um, well, who wouldn't?
(Mumm-Ra) You better not, she's mine—understand?
(Evil Fan) *swallows nervously* Okay.

I guess on that note, I'll introduce our next guest: Cheetara of the Thundercats.
(Cheetara) *blows a kiss towards the camera and smiles* It's a pleasure.
(Mumm-Ra) *smacks the Evil Fan on the back of his head*
(Evil Fan) *looks up at the movie screen innocently and whistles*
(Cheetara) *grimaces* Well, almost.

*ahem* Okay, now for our final two guests, Wily…
(WilyKat) Why do we always get announced together? We're two different people!
Okay, fine. Our next guest is WilyKit, also of the…
(WilyKat) Why does she always get announced first? I'm…
Okay, okay. This is WilyKat, also of the Thundercats. Are you happy now?
*sees him staring at Cheetara* WilyKat!
(WilyKat) Oh, yeah. Hello everyone.

And finally, last but not least, here's…
(WilyKit) WilyKit! bigger than life and in the flesh. See? Being announced last is always the biggest honor. *sticks her tongue out at WilyKat*
(WilyKat) Hey!
(WilyKit) *puts her hands on her hips and throws her chin forward in a glamour-pose*
(Mumm-Ra) And exactly who invited these Thunder-brats?
(WilyKit) *sticks her tongue out at Mumm-Ra and sits down*

So, if everyone's ready, let's get on with it. Here's the horror that recently graced my mailbox. Enjoy!

From the desk of Brian Douglas

August 9, 2001

Erich [the Mad Bassist]
[my address]

(Evil Fan) Ooooh… looks official so far.

Dear Erich,

(WilyKat) Personalized, even!

Let me start by telling you a little bit about myself in the hopes that you will join me and not envy me.

(Mumm-Ra) Thousands of years of experience have taught me that's the first sign of a loser. Heh heh heh.
(Cheetara) What's there to envy? A guy who builds up the hopes of the innocent and essentially rapes them?
(Mumm-Ra) Hey, now. I resemble that remark, furry lady.
(Cheetara) Don't call me that! I hate the term "furry": it has bad connotations.
(WilyKat) I like the word "furry" and I'm furry…
(WilyKit) Yeah, and we all know what you do when you look at your "furry picture magazines."
(WilyKat) Shut up!

(WilyKit) *sticks her tongue out at WilyKat again*
(Evil Fan) Can we get back to the letter, please? Baywatch is going to start soon.
(Mumm-Ra) *raises an eyebrow* Yes, lets.

For the first time in my life, I wake up happy knowing that I am financially secure. 8 months ago my family and I moved into an $800,006 Castle Style Mansion with a spectacular view,... six baths, Italian marble floors, Italian granite everywhere, master suite with Jacuzzi jet bathtub, library, den, my own personal gym with sauna, pool, a Ferrari parked in our driveway.

(WilyKit) Not just $800,000…
(WilyKat) But 800,000 and six dollars!
(both) Ooooooh…
(WilyKat) I wonder what cost six bucks?
(WilyKit) He probably bought your furry picture books. *giggles*
(WilyKat) *fumes*

And my wife,... well, she can get her own toys,

*Evil Fan, Mumm-Ra, and WilyKat burst out laughing*
(WilyKit) *looks up at Cheetara confused* I don't get it.
(Cheetara) *blushes* Um, it's nothing. Just dumb guy humor.
(WilyKit) Oh. *shakes her head and looks back at the screen*

with her very own personal American Express Platinum Card (with a credit limit of over $100,000), to do with as she pleases.

(Evil Fan) Behold, for I am so rich my wife can't outspend me!
(Mumm-Ra) And thus we know he's not a real person.
(Evil Fan) Or he's Bill Gates…
(WilyKit) Or Steve Case…
(Mumm-Ra) *waves dismissively* Same difference.

During a 6 month period I was able to deposit 50,000 dollars in our personal bank accounts, without doing anything at all! Let me elaborate just a little. "I don’t do anything physical to bring in this kind of money!" The bank does all the work for me at my convenience, and as long as I keep my account "open" they almost have no choice!

(WilyKit) What's with…
(WilyKat) The quotes?
(WilyKit) It's like…
(WilyKat) He's not being…
(both) Honest.
(Mumm-Ra) *stands up* Will you brats stop doing that!
(WilyKat) Doing…
(WilyKit) What?
(Cheetara) *looks at Mumm-Ra sympathetically* You might as well give up.
(Mumm-Ra) *sees the knowing look in Cheetara's eyes and decides to sit back down*

Erich, I will show you how to make a minimum of $5,000 a month by just opening a bank account. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg! By opening a bank account (just one) I will teach you how to have that kind of money deposited into your bank account Automatically, through a built-in automatic process that I will personally show you.

(Evil Fan) Well, I could do that too—it's called "direct deposit."
(WilyKit) Yeah, if you had a job. Hee hee!
(Evil Fan) Hey, I do have a job!
(WilyKat) But does it pay anything…
(WilyKit) Much less $5000 per month?
(Evil Fan) Oh, shut up you two.

That’s the beauty of it! Imagine making $5,000 a month for each bank account you "open". And aside from opening the account, it doesn’t cost you anything! Just one bank account can make you financially independent for life! What I’m telling you Erich, is for real!

(Evil Fan) So what he's essentially saying is that I could sit on my ass, do nothing, and have five grand put into my bank account from nowhere every month? How stupid does he think I am?
(WilyKat) I'd like to know how he does it.
(WilyKit) Simple, he gets idiots like you to send him money, then he disappears.
(WilyKat) But, what if he really has a way to do it?
(Cheetara) If he did, he wouldn't be sharing his secret and asking money for it.
(WilyKat) Yeah, I guess that makes sense, but he didn't ask for money.
(Evil Fan) Just wait, kid.

Now think of the same idea on a slightly larger scale, like two or three bank accounts working at the same time each producing a guaranteed monthly income of $5,000 each. As of today, I have 10 active accounts @ $5,000 = $50,000 per month, every month, 12 months a year for as long as I care to claim it! There’s no printing error Erich. I said 50 thousand dollars per month!

(Mumm-Ra) Ahh, a man after my own heart. You can get so much mileage from playing on the greed that's in everyone. Heh heh heh heh.
(WilyKit) If you ask me, this whole letter is a printing error.
(WilyKat) The bold lettering is giving me a headache.

In short, here is how the formula works: Walk into a bank, open a bank account, follow the simple instructions like a recipe in a cookbook, and 30 days later you will make $5000 just like that! And one of the best things that makes this money maker so sweet is that you can begin with literally $0! You’re in total command! I did it, so can you Erich! In my operations manual you will find out for yourself where all the money comes from.

(Cheetara) This is so sick! He's going to make people either give them their money or sit up awake at night wondering if they should take a chance. Either way, it's going to make some poor souls lose interest in working for a living and make them bitter. They'll spend the rest of their lives trying to get rich quick!
(Mumm-Ra) And your point is?
(Cheetara) Oh, shut up!
(Mumm-Ra) Morals are so overrated. Heh heh heh.

I realize what I am saying may sound impossible,... but I promise you, it is very possible!

(WilyKat) Ha! About as likely as my sister growing a chest!
(Mumm-Ra) *looks at the Evil Fan during the awkward silence* You know, you're sick.
(Evil Fan) *looks back at Mumm-Ra* Yeah, like you haven't thought about it before, huh?
(Mumm-Ra) Don't make me fry your ass, fan-boy!
(Evil Fan) Why don't you use your magic to age her ten more years, then we can argue.
(Mumm-Ra) Hmm… *looks intently at WilyKit*

(WilyKit) *covers herself* Get away from me, you perverts! And you, brother, I am going to kill you!
(WilyKat) Forget I said anything. Geeez, I can't even get in a decent insult without everyone freaking out…

There is no shortage of money, the Federal Reserve Board creates money daily but most of it must pass through and circulate in United States banks over and over again. That is how banks run. That’s where my Secret Banking System comes in. All you need is my operations manual to let it start making big money for you!

(WilyKat) Well, that was the most useless paragraph I've seen so far.
(WilyKit) Yeah, it's like he's trying to sound like an authority on banks, but he's stating the obvious.

Let me recap what I’m saying. For every bank account you "open" in your name, you will Guarantee yourself at least $5,000 deposited directly into your account by your account number Automatically! One account equals $5,000. (By the way, the bank will also owe you the bank interest which will be indicated on your monthly statement) This is not a business. It goes way beyond what any business can do! If you have a little ambition, then you’ve got what it takes, and you too Erich can enjoy your new home or Ferrari in a few months from today!

(Cheetara) Or you can enjoy sleepless nights waiting for something that will never come.
(Mumm-Ra) This loser sure repeats himself alot…
(Evil Fan) Amateur brainwashing techniques for sure!
(Cheetara) Who would be stupid enough to fall for this anyway? It's too outrageous to be true.
(WilyKit) *points to WilyKat*
(WilyKat) *stares blankly at the screen*
(Evil Fan) Well, the fact is that there are enough idiots out there to make that guy's efforts pay off.
(Cheetara) That can't be true…
(Mumm-Ra) Heh heh. Wake up and smell the money, Cheety. Stupidity and greed go hand-in-hand.
(Evil Fan) Amen to that.

I will be sending you my secret banking system in an easy to duplicate confashion in a set of "Blueprints" inside of a book that has been taken from the original copy.

(Evil Fan) "Confashion?" Is that a Freudian slip or what!
(WilyKat) Umm, what's a "Freudian slip"?
(WilyKit) That would be like the time when you made that dumb joke about Tygra when Cheetara was standing right behind you…
(WilyKat) Shut up…
(WilyKit) Then you turned around and looked straight at her… *snicker*
(WilyKat) Shut up!
(WilyKit) Then you said, "I was chest choking—I mean 'just joking!'" *starts laughing uncontrollably*
(WilyKat) *rolls his eyes* Okay—very, very funny. *ahem* Now, how about those blueprints?
(Evil Fan) Yeah, most likely the "original copy" he's talking about is the ad that was going around in 1990—only it promised $17,000 for every "special bank account you open."
(Cheetara) *looks oddly at the Evil Fan* How do you know this? You didn't…
(Evil Fan) *sits up straighter* No way! I've just… seen that ad before.
(WilyKit) That explains a few things…
(WilyKat) Wow, now I know I'm not going to send him my money!
(Evil Fan) Oh, shut up!

So that I may share my discovery with you, I’m going to ask you to take the first step and invest $20 for something that is worth its weight in gold.

(Evil Fan) See? There you are! $20 down the drain! Worth it's weight in gold indeed.
(Cheetara) *shakes her head* I'm sorry. *gives the Evil Fan a hug*
(Evil Fan) *sniff* Thanks. By the way, you sure smell good.
(Cheetara) *backs away* Okay, that's enough hugs for you.
(Mumm-Ra) What about me? Do you have any idea how much I've suffered these past few millennia? I need some love too. *sniff*
(Cheetara) That's about as likely as Berbils flying.
(Mumm-Ra) *waves his hands around and makes red sparks dance between them* With magic, anything is possible, babe!
(Cheetara) *looks disgusted and goes back to her seat*

Erich, let me demonstrate how confident I am that you too can make $5,000 in real American legal tender per month, by opening a simple bank account! Examine my Secret Banking System in its entire contents carefully, If I have not shown you an absolute "fool proof" automatic method that can bring a minimum of $5K a month, per bank account, send it back at anytime and I will personally refund you every penny in cash. You either make $5,000 a month per bank account or your money back. Guaranteed, you’ve got my name on it!

(WilyKat) His name? It sounds so…
(WilyKit) Generic, like…
(Mumm-Ra) John Smith. *pauses and looks around* Okay, now you brats have me doing it!
(WilyKit) Doing…

(WilyKat) What?
(Mumm-Ra) Rrrrraaaaahhhh! *sits back down and exhales quickly in frustration*

Yours truly,

Brian Douglas

Brian Douglas

(Evil Fan) Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Now, that looks like a realistic signature, doesn't it?
(WilyKat) It must be the "Brian's Hand" font.
*everyone bursts out laughing for a good minute*
(WilyKat) *is taken aback by the fact he said something that everyone thought was funny* Damn, I'm good!
(WilyKit) Every dog has his day.
(WilyKat) *sticks his tongue out at WilyKit*

P.S.: Don’t delay Erich, you can start making $5,000 per month with your present bank account! Once you’ve implemented the Secret Banking System I would welcome your Testimonial, and I may also ask you to participate in my upcoming Infomercial about my Secret Banking System. I expect to launch the Infomercial within the next ten months.

(Evil Fan) Now that I would truly love to see!
(Mumm-Ra) Really… the smell of BS is so overwhelming!


O.K. Brian you’re on! If all it takes is opening a bank account to make a guaranteed $5,000 per month, I want in! Rush me my personal copy of your Secret Banking System but only on the condition that if I am not reeling in a minimum of $5,000 for each bank account I open, I can send it back anytime for a prompt refund. There is no possible way I can lose. On those terms, here is my $20.

(Cheetara) Translation: "Okay Brian, if all it takes is being convinced that the most looney scheme can be backed up with a money-back guarantee even though there is no way to verify your identity, then heck, take my $20! There's no way you can lose."
(Mumm-Ra) Wow, Cheetara. If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were being sarcastic. Heh heh heh.
(Cheetara) *shrugs* What can I say? That evil fool brings it out of me.
(Mumm-Ra) *bows* Well lady, I am impressed.
(Cheetara) *smiles* Thanks.
(Mumm-Ra) So, are you doing anything after…
(Cheetara) Don't even think of it.


(Cheetara) So I can rush away with five more of your hard-earned dollars!
(Evil Fan) You go, girl!
(Cheetara) Stay away from me…

Erich [the Mad Bassist], [my address again]

Mail back to: Brian Douglas, Inc. • [his address]

(WilyKit) Wow, talk about a lousy swindler!
(WilyKat) Yeah, that guy really amazed me. I wonder what he does in real life?
(Evil Fan) I don't know, but he's giving me ideas about how to make extra money… nah, I'm evil, but not that evil.
(Mumm-Ra) You disappoint me, fan-boy. I thought you would be keen on stealing money from the desperate and the stupid.
(Evil Fan) Well, would you want your name attached to something this lame?

(Mumm-Ra) Hmm, good point there.

Return to the ThunderGate